June 11, 2014

you hold my heart.

It is not oft that I cry. It’s very rare, actually. But I’ve noticed a trend. Most often when I find myself crying it is because:
A) exhaustion, and I have no freaking clue why tears are falling from my eyes & I cannot stop. It just has to run it’s course.
B) a song – sometimes this song has past meaning; like when I’m alone or with a few girls from high school and You’re Gonna Miss This or Laughed Until We Cried come on (our maypole songs) I once bawled at a Kenny Chesney concert. It was right after my cousin passed & he sang Who You’d Be Today. It was awful. I still can’t listen to that song. Nothing quite hits like a song live.

Today as I was painting, cutting in the edges, if you will. I’m A Small Town by Kenny Chesney came on. And somewhere between the fumes, poor circulation, & mental exhaustion I found myself crying. Not The Fault in Our Stars (BOOK) or An Affair to Remember (MOVIE) type of cry. But more than a glistening tear.
I will pause for you to listen to it.
I’m a Small Town by Kenny Chesney on Grooveshark
If you listened, thanks buddy! If not, we’re not friends anymore. Just kidding. ;)

It’s not that I just then, in that moment, realized how much I love where I live. But I think it all kind of hit me that my dreams are coming true & there is nowhere else I can picture that happening. There is nowhere else that I want to build my life.

There is a line in the song, “where you grew up & couldn’t wait to just get out.” And that was so me. (and I'm about 1000% sure everyone else) When I was 18, like most kids that age I was hell bent on getting out of here. “you left in a cloud of dust. big city bound. but I never once gave up.”

I LOVED STL. I HATED savannah. I missed every thing about this place - going out to dinner & not getting to finish a meal without seeing at least 15 people you know. Or your family getting to a restaurant at the same time as another family and sitting together impromptu. I missed the closeness. Heck I missed walking into somewhere having never met the person I was speaking to and them saying “you’re Gene’s girl.” Yepp. Sure am!

Either you love me or you hate me for everything I am.
Either I hold your heart or I hold you down.

I’m a small town.

I've been skipping out on this place a lot lately. It's really that I don't have much mental capacity at the end of the day to produce a whole lot of quality writing. But this was a story I thought worthy of print. 

Have a happy weekend y'all. I'm saying now I won't be here for a Friday post. Maybe I will. But probs not.
Love you mean it.

June 5, 2014

who goes there?

LAST WEEK THE WITTY  & WONDERFUL ALYSSA WROTE ABOUT wondering who is reading her blog, if that one certain person is reading. And I must admit I go through the same cycle. I mean I know of a few people that actually give a damn about what I have to say here in my little space of the interwebs. I've had friends I didn't know read mention something to me about things I've written. Instant panic, btw. But I mean, it's cool! It's not like I'm hiding anything here - I tweet the links for fucksake. It's a public blog for anyone to happen upon. I love it here & wouldn't change anything. Ultimately I choose what I do & do not disclose. It's not written anywhere that we bloggers have to spill everything out here on our blogs. And if you do, more power to ya! We live in a world where "you're damned if you do & you're damn if you don't. Might as well just do what ever you want." 

But there are those certain people who I KNOW USED to read.
do you still?
you don't.
why would you?
I don't mean anything to you.
but do you read?
you probably do.
why would you care what I have to say?
just stop.

I need this vicious cycle to end. so I give you this - 

I wonder: do you still read? You used to encourage me to write. You liked that I enjoyed it. do you still read? Because I totally talk about you. I would slam you without any hesitation.

I wonder: do you still read? You said to me dreaming is great & all but do you really think you can do it? do you still read? You didn't believe in me. Now you'll see that I'm getting what I always dreamed of.

I wonder: do you still read? You disregarded my dreams as foolish & childish. But you PUSHED me. you pushed me to go after what I wanted even harder. so suck it, ass face.

I wonder: do you still read? Just to check in on my life, of course. You want to know about me. It's really cool that I do this - right?

I wonder: do you still read? Now that you're happy with your relationship. Since you got the encouragement you needed from me. The advice. The kind words. do you still read?

Just some things I needed to get outa my head. It's getting too cluttered up there & I need the space. I don't have time or energy to worry about you anymore. 

do you still read? take it or leave it as you may. 

June 4, 2014

boob sweat & melting chapstick

Hello Wednesday peoples! The season of boob sweat & melting Chapstick is upon us.

I think we all know what's coming - CONFESSIONS. 
Confessions, Part 2 by Usher on Grooveshark
Every day, no matter what I do - workouts, sessions, simply stepping outside - boob sweat all day long. Which is fine, because I'd rather that than be cold!

Also, going to put some chappy stick on the lippies has to be done ever so carefully as to not smear half the stick on your face. Which honestly is kind of funny, but it gets old after about the 4th time. This speaks about where my head is lately, because you'd think I would learn. Evidentially not!

I realized the other day I have wished & hoped nearly a full year away. I've been wishing for my studio to be move-in ready for so so long that I can't hardly remember little things from about the last year.

On Sunday I sat down for lunch & fell asleep with breadstick in hand.

Currently I'm wanting to throw the awesome party that comes after the wedding ceremony - Not that I'm even dating anyone. Or want to be for that matter. I'm a big sack of anal retentive, obsessive compulsive & it's going to take a special person to put up with me - perfectionism is a curse.

I'm 15 posts away from my 100th post! I want to say I have big plans, but well I don't.

And lately it seems that I would rather sit at home & read or sleep than go out. But I still go out for a bit, because I still want to keep up appearances & don't want to loose touch with people. 

Vodka and Soda

Thanks for stopping by! What are YOUR confessions TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME!!
Was that excessive? Not sorry ;) Have a good week, y'all!

June 1, 2014

Current Events!

Holy moly, Y'all. This has been some week! I posted on Tuesday about The Fault in Our Stars & that was about all I was able to be involved in Bloglandia!

For starters, last Saturday marked the beginning of Wedding Season. {ugh, yes, I just used the term wedding season. I term I am NOT found of. But nonetheless, it is a thing….evidentially.} Anyways from this weekend forward I have a minimum of 3 events I need to attend - throw sessions & wedding photography in there & my life is a cluster. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Today I'm going to link up with Lauren over at siddathorton for The Sunday Currently. Love me some list posts! 


reading: The Imperfectionists - such a good book. But I would not recommend reading this after The Fault in Our Stars. In fact, I would avoid reading anything for a few days after that book because it is so damn good nothing will be as good as it could be if you start immediately after.
writing: well, this…
listening: lawnmowers outside. Not sure why I haven't turned on music.
thinking: how badly I want to be laying in the pool right now.
smelling: nothing really
wishing: to be out tanning myself
hoping: my studio gets finished soon
wearing: norts & a tank
loving: almost every image I have shot the past few weeks!
wanting: some tea!
needing: SLEEP!
feeling: a special mix of exhaustion & awake-ness that only those who have insomnia can understand. 

What are you up to lately? Share! I hope you all are having a great weekend & have a fantastic week!!

kisses & poptarts